Sure I Can Do That (Not)

           My coach headed a group run once a week, and he encouraged me to come. The first practice a few weeks ago made me feel like a kindergartner enrolling at high school.  Everyone knew everyone, and I listened to them chat about races, training, and life and thought to myself, “you train alone, what are you doing here?”

            Coach came out and told me that for my first practice I was going to train with Ben.  Ben, an ultra marathoner, had a 100 mile race in a few days. One… Hundred… Miles. And I had been so proud of my little four to five mile runs. He was on taper week, so Coach thought I should have no trouble keeping up. Coach looked at me expectantly, and I dutifully said, “Sure, I can do that.”

            The warm up showed me how much trouble I was in.  Ben ran easily along, and I pushed myself to keep up with him.  As the actual workout began, it became incredibly clear that there was no way that this was going to happen. I began to see a defibrillator in my future.  I slowed down, and although he tried to be nice and encouraging, I knew I was dead weight to him.  I told him to go on without me.  He ran off, and my pride tried really, really hard not to keel over from the pain in my side.

            Part of me felt completely defeated. But this new feeling that was starting to take hold inside made me keep going, albeit at a much more tolerable pace. I finished the workout, went home and sat there for a long time, wondering if I had the determination to see this through. One hundred forty miles of pain, and I would have paid money to do it, sacrificed time and body parts. Then I thought, the ultra runners had to start somewhere, and if they were crazy enough to try 100 miles, well, I already knew I was crazy. I started looking forward to the next run.

            Old habits are like grooves in a road, it’s hard to not be attracted to them. They are comfortable, and they are what we know, even if they are no good for us and just hold us back.  Making the conscious decision to not allow myself to become mired in those thoughts is how I know that I will make it to, and complete my first Ironman.

            It may be a while before I can keep up with the ultra marathoners, but there will come a day when I will. And won’t that be something?