Hit Submit

There are moments that define us, and this week I had one of those moments.

There is a high learning curve with any sport, we constantly have to refine and hone our skills to get better.  Nobody does what we do - no matter what sport you participate in - and state "I'm good enough, no need to get better". Not going to happen, and I expected that.  What I didn't expect was how much I would learn about myself.

Training has been fabulous.  Love my workouts, love how my body is adapting to them, happy with how times are going (especially in the running). Seems like I am stronger now than I was in college, both mentally and physically. And I especially love all the wonderful people I have met.  Diverse backgrounds, common goals. Each and every one of you inspire me to become better.

Not going to lie, I can tend to be a little focused, and maybe slightly competitive. Okay, those that have known me for a long time can stop laughing hysterically now. Last weekend I learned to let go of that by running with my new friend Donna.  I ran just for the love of it, and to support her. She was great the whole way through, we talked and laughed (well I talked mostly, and she let me) and I enjoyed every single minute of it. It added a new facet to training, to let go of the goal, and to just be in the moment.  Never before had I felt so free after a race.

Inspired by this new knowledge, I sat down this week to do something I had been putting off doing.  Three times before in the last month I had called up the half Ironman registration page for the October race in Austin, and three times I turned it off, not ready to make that step.  I sat down again this week and told myself that I was going to do it no matter what, because I was scared they would close the race, and my whole training schedule for the next year would be messed up.

Screen 1 - Basic information.  Okay, not so scary, I can handle this.  Hit submit.

Screen 2 - Background information (how many tri's have you done in the last year, have you ever done a half/full Ironman before) - Since I left most of the page blank, it was a little intimidating.  I felt like I was not doing enough to prepare.  Hit submit anyway.

Screen 3 - Medical/release waivers....many of them.  Basically, if you die, your family members die, your equipment dies, nobody can sue Ironman for anything.  Having coming close to death as many times as I have (that's a WHOLE other blog), I tend not to focus on these things too much, it takes up too much energy. Helps that I'm Ukrainian.  Hit submit.

Screen 4 - Payment information.  I had done extra hours of working and side jobs for a while to set aside the money for this, so knowing the money was there felt good.  Filled out the screen, and tried to hit submit.

I couldn't do it.  I raised my hand over the button a bunch of times, and then took it away.  Hitting that submit button meant it was real.  No longer workouts on a page, visualizations of crossing the finish line, or dreams that keep you going on the tough days.  It was real, no refunds, no returns. Put up or shut up time.

Voices started in my head - no, not the insane kind.  The memories of things said to me over the years by people I looked up to who told me I couldn't do this because I was not special enough or strong enough.  Voices that held me back for a long time from even attempting this came over me with conviction, telling me to shut down the page and quit being stupid. It almost worked.

But then a funny thing happened.  Other voices, those of my friends, my students, my daughter came into my head.  They started telling me to look at how far I had come already, and to try to see the potential of what I could become. That I could do this, that it wasn't a matter of if but of when.

It was very crowded in my head.

Then I had two thoughts - first, what kind of role model would I be to others if I quit without even trying? Could I live a life of regret? Trying and failing is one thing, but quitting before your tried? Hmmm.

Second, I remembered a quote I had seen on Facebook the day before -

Doubt kills more dreams than failure.

I will never know how far I can go if I don't push myself past whatever limits I have.  Right now, all my limits are mental, and I need to get rid of them.

I hit submit.

I then proceeded to have a small to medium panic attack of the "what did you just do???" variety. Took a few deep breaths and then pulled myself together - after all, I had running group to get to. :)