I would like to say thank you to all of you who read my blog. Many of you have spoken with me about how certain topics have resonated with you, and I appreciate the time you take to read what's on my mind. Checking stats before this post (because that's what math teachers do) I have 799 page views - thanks!
I have two analogies running through my head - skeletons and stones. I think, since many of you are runners, I'm going to go with the stones...
For the past four months, I have had an amazing ride (run? swim?). Things have been so positive, my times have been getting better and better, I can see muscles forming, and my confidence has been building. I have felt like this light has started to shine within me, and I've been so inspired by the people around me.
Sunday afternoon, a proverbial straw broke the camel's back, and for about an hour, I considered taking some time off. Training, Ironman, all of it.
Not what you were expecting, I'm sure. Neither was I. As it turns out, things from your past can be stones in the road, and even the smallest ones can trip you up and sprawl you flat on your face. I wasn't paying attention, and I tripped. Not my usual writing fare, I know, but stick with me.
When negative people in your life show that the patterns in their life are not going to change, it should not come as a shock. Right before the Shiner ride, about two weeks ago, a friend dropped into my life after an absence and demonstrated exactly this to me. I guess I have the tendency to believe the best in people because I was shocked, even though I had seen these tendencies before, just directed at other people. How deeply I was shocked and hurt almost must have bypassed my radar - probably because of the mental power it was going to take to get Shiner done.
Coming back from Shiner, I began to see holes in my motivation. Not much, but they were there, and I chalked it up to just being tired. Others noticed that I wasn't quite as peppy or happy as normal, I was starting to seem "off", and I admit it, for the first time, I felt drained. Again, I thought I was just tired, 100 miles is a long way. Workouts weren't going as well, and the effortless became more effort. I even had to talk myself into getting into the pool (gasp). Then Sunday, when this person's agenda conflicted with my goal, the realization of what was really going on hit me. In that moment, I understood that I was going to have to let go of one of the closest friends I had.
Having that talk to have closure on both sides was not easy, and they did not understand why I needed to do this (turns out negative people don't see themselves as negative - just really, really, really realistic). I looked up to this person, and for a long time valued their opinion. Losing a close friend hurts, no matter what the circumstances are that surround it. I wish them well and hope they find...whatever it is they are looking for. For me, everything now is about finding that cool mojo I had going on before this person dropped back into my life, and letting myself heal. Letting them go was hard, but knowing that I have more room for a positive person helps.
I struggled with the idea of writing this, since many people could look at this as me being weak, allowing someone to mess with my head and my path. For six years this person was someone very close to me, so their opinions and thoughts held a lot of weight, and it didn't dawn on me that they wouldn't have my best interests at heart. I guess I am willing to admit it to show I am not weak because I tripped and fell, I'm that much stronger (albeit a little bruised) because I got back up and kicked the stone out of my path so I don't trip on it again. I've been told setbacks make you come back stronger, this was my setback, and I will come back stronger.
We all have our "stones" - the events or people that trip us up and make us doubt ourselves. Anyone who says they never doubt themselves is either lying to you (or themselves) or wants to sell you a really cool vacuum. When that happens, we have to make a choice - do we stay down, or do we get back up, dust ourselves off and keep going?
Tonight I went to group run, and despite the fact I still feel "off" (which friends noticed, and I thank them for their encouraging words), I ran some really good times. It may take a little while for me to be completely back to my happy self, but that's okay, it's all part of the process. Having bad times with the wrong people just helps you appreciate even more the good times with the right people. Fortunately for me, I have an abundance of good people around, and now I just have more space for them.
Also, I have no intentions of taking any time off. That was just lemming talk. If anything, I'm beginning to feel the need to kick some Ironman butt. Let's start with CapTex!
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