As children, we are afraid of the boogeyman. He generally lives either under the bed, or in the closet. When I was a child, I used to think about poodles at the circus to try to distract me from being scared of what could be lurking in the dark. All that managed to do was make me afraid every time I thought about poodles at the circus.
As we get older, and less afraid of the dark, the boogeyman takes up residence in our heads. He feeds off every person who put us down, every memory of feeling unworthy or incapable, and toys with us as we face new challenges.
During this last year, I have made a concentrated effort to take a bat to my boogeyman and pound the living snot out of him. Because of this, I can honestly say that I am currently living the best, most peaceful times of my life. I'm happier than I have ever been, and every day I gain more confidence in myself and my goals. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, I am the strongest I have ever been. Even the occasional freak out day is nothing compared to the stress and drama I have endured in the past.
Having had removed the negative influences in my life, I worked on healing the wounds left behind. Unfortunately, longstanding wounds tend to become infected, and there is more under the surface than it appears. Sunday was exactly six weeks to the Half Ironman. Sunday night I had the nightmare.
It was so real, and the pain that surfaced because of it was powerful. I know that people say a dream is just a dream, and that may be true, but this one caused a trigger. The boogeyman had not eaten in a while, and he just was given a free pass to a banquet.
A flood of voices came into my head, telling me I was done, I would crash out before the race, or I would quit the day of. A year ago, this would have knocked me to my knees. Today, it is like a thorn in my side. It's annoying and nagging, but I can keep moving. I also welcome it. Let it surface so that I can heal it once and for all. Like a thorn, draw it out, let out the pus, and let it heal clean. It's not easy, but the alternative is going back - and that is something I just can't allow.
Last night I ran into Lori - not me, but the more badass version of me, Lori Tijerina. The conversation we had helped me to see that while the boogeyman may yell and scream in my head, I'm far stronger than he is. It is an incredibly liberating feeling knowing that what held you back before doesn't have a hold on you anymore. It may still be there, but it doesn't scare me.
There are many scars I carry from my past, but now I carry them as a reminder that if I made it through what I have, then what I'm facing is not such a big deal. I have the best weapons in my arsenal - my faith, and an incredible group of people who look at this ordinary looking woman and see something special.
I don't think I'm anything out of the ordinary, and I'm doing what a lot of people have done before me. There are much more extraordinary people out there doing much more extraordinary things. But for me, I'm doing the one thing I never thought I would be able to do - believe I can, and hold that belief out against those who would say I couldn't.
Do I hope that my story and journey will help someone else take that step to healing? Absolutely! I don't feel you take a journey just to get yourself there, you have to pay it forward.
I wish I could feel bad that the boogeyman is going to find the food at the banquet unpalatable, but umm...no. He is officially on a starvation diet. Seeing how much I like this time of my life, and knowing that by allowing the rest of my hurts to heal it will only get better, I no longer have room for the boogeyman or the poodles in my head. I'm way too busy seeing myself at the finish line getting my Ironman medal.
The countdown continues...
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